May
19
After years of debate, California has finally legalized gay marriage. While I have no problem with that per se, I do wonder why. Not why we’d make it legal, but why would gays even want to get married? Haven’t they seen the misery that married straight people go through? Don’t they realize that 50 percent of all marriages end up in divorce? Don’t they realize that marriage simply marks the end of sex and the beginning of love handles, loss of self and identity, depression and death? It’s a fact that 100 percent of people who are married die! That’s a staggering statistic.
Frankly, I’m concerned about the ramifications that gay marriage would cause. Thus far, gays on TV, movies and in West Hollywood have been a happy, quirky and fashionable lot. With their quick wit and stylish fashion sense they make the world a better place. Who doesn’t want a gay friend to go shopping with or to give them advice on which moisturizer to use to get rid of those little eye wrinkles? Damn you sun! Now, I know I’m being selfish here, but I’m just worried about what will happen to the gay community once they are introduced to an evil and destructive institution like marriage. Will they become angry and bitter? Will they lose their zeal and color matching ability? Will their “fabulousness” just disappear? Will they become mindless androids like their straight and married counterparts? That’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Marriage – What is it good for? Absolutely Nothing
Why do people get married anyway? Love…that’s laughable. Are you telling me you can’t be in love without a legal document certifying it? Money…nope, divorce costs way more than a marriage. Security…right, because married people don’t cheat. The only reasonable explanation is tradition. Yup, people have been doing it so long that it’s just become second nature. Nobody questions it, they just do it. Of course, following tradition isn’t always a good idea. Just ask the lemmings.
Love It or Leave It
Instead of marriage, I propose (pun intended) that we implement a “relationship lease.” It would be similar to Ford’s “Love It or Leave It” lease. You pick a lease term of either 2, 3 or 4 years and agree to a certain amount of set lease rules. Then at the end of the term you decide whether or not you want to continue with the relationship or whether you simply want to walk away and get something new.
The Terms
Just like you can’t go over a certain mileage in an auto lease, with a relationship lease you are allowed only a little leniency. The beauty of a relationship lease is that it’s customizable to fit any relationship. Let’s take a look at some of the bigger issues that couples tend to disagree about and how a relationship lease would help.
Money – Ah, the dreaded money debate. You make it, she spends it. Well, with a relationship lease you both go in with what you have and leave with what you have. There’s none of this “what’s yours is mine” bullshit. As long as the bills are paid for, whatever you’ve got left over is yours. If she bitches at you that it’s not fair, explain to her that she should have thought about that before she decided to forgo college to help make straw huts in Africa.
Sex – Every married guy complains about the lack of sex he gets, which seems bizarre because you’d think it’d be easy if the chick is already there in bed with you, but whatever. Before signing the relationship lease, you agree to a reasonable amount of sex you both require per month. Plus, the guy gets a certain amount of “BJ” credits, while she gets a set amount of “I’ve got a headache” credits. You can even negotiate the type of sexual experiences you’d like to have (ie. school girl outfit, cue 70’s porno music). Once said agreement is made, there are no surprises in the bedroom since you’re laying it all out in the open from the get go. So, go ahead and get it on!
Date Night – They say the key to a good relationship is keeping things fresh. Well, with a relationship lease things are always fresh because you’re in a state of perpetual dating and not bogged down by the dreaded notion of marriage. With the concept of marriage out of the equation, there’s no additional stress or pressure placed on the couple. Plus, this completely eliminates the need for the “Where is this relationship going?” talk. With those things out of the way, the couple gets to simply enjoy being a couple. With a relationship lease you agree to a certain amount of dates you go on per month and presto…instant happiness.
Holidays – Thanksgiving is two weeks away…your family is doing a traditional turkey day at the good ol’ childhood home, while her family is having tofu and sushi in protest of the slaughter of American Indians. As much as this sounds like a no-brainer, she actually wants you to go with her. What do you do? If you say “no” and choose your family over hers, you’ll be in the doghouse until Christmas and will be forced to spend way too much money on a “makeup” gift. But if you go, you’ll have a miserable time and end up insulting her ugly hippy sister by agreeing with Manifest Destiny, which will also land you in the doghouse. Relationship lease to the rescue! You divide up the major holidays evenly, but are given one “exempt” holiday per year, which you’re not required to attend. This doesn’t mean Groundhog Day either…it could be Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and your respective parents’ birthdays. There’s no exception for New Year’s Eve or your birthdays…if you don’t want to be together on those days, perhaps you should be single. Valentine’s Day is also required, but as a result you are allowed one “fake” holiday a year as well. Choose wisely though…Super Bowl might seem like an obvious choice, but she likes Super Bowl too. It gives her a chance to show off her culinary skills by making artichoke dip and pretend that she’s a football fan. I’d suggest saving this day for a game 7 of either the World Series or the NBA championship or for the college football national championship.
Sports/Video Games/Activities – How many times have you had a girlfriend try to take up something you’re interested in just to be around you? Nice thought, right? No! I don’t want you to know how to shoot a jump shot or throw a perfect spiral or sink an 18-foot putt. The reason guys go golfing or play basketball, football, tennis, biking, pool, darts, lawn darts, or even video games is that so they don’t have to be around their girlfriends. This is our time. Leave us alone. Here’s the comprise in a relationship lease…I get to play Madden without your color commentary and you get to watch Dancing with the Stars without seeing me roll my eyes every thirty seconds. Deal? Deal.
Household Duties – This is a very sensitive subject for many couples. Nowadays the tasks that we traditionally considered “women’s work” are no longer. Men are now required to do laundry, clean the dishes and vacuum just like the ladies. I suppose this is fair, assuming the chick has a job too. If you both work and earn a similar income (within $5k) you divide up the chores evenly. If, however, you make significantly more a year than she does, you deduct the percentage difference from the amount of chores you do. For example, you make $100k/year and she makes $80k/year…you get to do 20 percent less household work, plus you choose which tasks you want. If for some bizarre reason she makes more money than you, well, you’ve got bigger problems in life than housework. Seriously, reevaluate what you’ve done with your life.
The Deal Breaker
While a relationship lease is somewhat flexible, there are a few deal breakers. Anyone who has ever leased a car will tell you that the insurance requirements and rules for leasing are much stricter than when buying. Here are a few relationship lease deal breakers.
Adultery – An automatic breach of contract is cheating (unless otherwise stipulated in the lease…for example, some couples may want one “don’t ask, don’t tell” experience per year). Once adultery occurs the lease is broken and the offending party is required to pay a “termination fee,” which is based on 25 percent of combined earnings at the time of signing, plus a $250 convenience charge.
Pregnancy – Since this is just a “lease,” pregnancy is not allowed. Children are a long-term agreement and alter the dynamics of the relationship. Just like you can’t add an aerodynamic kit onto your leased Civic, you can’t modify your relationship in such a dramatic manner. If she does get knocked up, you have two options, and unfortunately, pulling a Juno is not one of them (still requires nine months of hard time). Option A is to make an appointment at Planned Parenthood and “take care of it.” Option B is to terminate the lease agreement (early termination fees apply).
Relocation – Let’s say you get that kick ass position as regional sales manager that you’ve always wanted. Congrats…the only problem is that the job is in Wichita and you live in San Diego. Bummer. Unless she agrees to “modify” the lease agreement and move with you, you are forced to terminate the lease and pay the appropriate fees. Even if she does agree to move, you still have to pay a “relocation fee” as incentive for her to move. The relocation fee is 20 percent of your yearly earnings, plus a bonus gift of no less than $200. Anything within 50 miles is considered a “reasonable relocation,” which does not require a relocation fee.
Sickness/Death – Good news…the relationship lease does not include a sickness or death plan. Unlike a marriage contract which stipulates, “in sickness and in health…till death do us part,” a relationship lease becomes void if either party becomes seriously ill or dies. Let’s just say that you are diagnosed with terminal hair follicle cancer - your “honey bunny” reserves the right to leave your balding butt without any penalties. In this case your only hope is that she burns in hell for eternity for being an evil human being. If death, any kind, even “accidental” does occur during a relationship lease, the contract is automatically broken without any termination penalties. Whew…you’re off the hook.
Comments
6 Responses to “California Okays Gays to Marry - Time to Abolish Marriage”
Dude….gays want the opportunity to reverse the stats. West Hollywood wants a crack at the whip (no pun intended)! This will be their finest hour. They get to wear the suit, the dress, they get to pick cakes, tiaras, garters and 5 course meals. If you’re at a gay male wedding, they’ll even have a “no carb” option on the menu. It will become legendary. Gay cruises officially have a purpose now. The gay wedding coordinators across California are salivating. Gays will become so good at weddings and marriage, straight people will start defecting to the other side. Could there be a gay couple in the White House by 2016? Every gay man’s dream is to be called a First Lady!
you go sudsie, and i would actually love it if there were a gay president, i mean if he/she were then they there would be a decent looking president for once, unlike other *cough* bush *cough*.
AwesomeDude
So you don’t think marriage is rad :)?
Marriage is definitely not rad. Far from it. If there were an anti-rad list marriage would probably be on top (along with Al Qaeda and skinny jeans). Anyway, back in the day, feminists used to complain that marriage was a form of institutionalized slavery. I agree, except it’s not the women that are being enslaved. Once married, a man has everything to lose (especially in California) and very little to gain (unless they are marrying Oprah, but then they’ve got other issues to deal with – like not getting eaten).
yea but marriage is all about commiting to the one you love, its the most sacred union two people can go through. everyone should be able to get married, whether it be a man to a woman, a man to a man, or a woman to a woman.
Sacred union…blah, blah, blah…I don’t think anyone has actually read the article since it has nothing to do with whether or not gay people should get married.